Lo! i bid you good cheer

waft.

In this belated issue (better late than even later) we are going to become angry dinosaurs caught between the pillars of salt. First I want you to raise you’re right hand, (notice already how scaly it has already become) and now say

“I am an angry dinosaur! RAAAARGH!!!!!”

I have crossed over what a metaphor would refer to as ‘literally a threshold.’ And I’ve learned that the thing to do is let loose all ambition and accept the plan as it comes.

May you ever waft a wayward wanting homeward while you willingly wait

yours truely -a plain ol’ wafter

In the first issue if Transparadigmic News (the title of the column has changed) I endeavored to make known the initiation of my quest for the source of ultimate meaning in the universe as a part of the research for the New Whole Usuals’ next album, and informed my readership of my plans to remain at the Waffle House until such time as I became privy to the discovery of irrefutable proof on the God topic. Well here I am currently occupying the corner booth, incognito of course, I am disguised as a casual patron, and things are going well so far. Events have unfolded surprisingly well I should say. I have already come into the possession of one pair of 3D glasses which I have donned with the supposition that they may be just keen enough to aid the wearer in attempting to descry some small miracle unperceivable to the naked eye. But maybe…yes, perhaps ocular enhancements are not what is needed since the average person already apprehends all three dimensions in full. He does so all the time in fact, which is a mighty trick the universe does turn. Proof? It is certainly a clue, but what we need is an extra layer of evidence, extravence, if you will. Extravence: a thing or things helpful in forming a conclusion or judgment or in making clear the grounds for belief. Extravence can never be overtly described, but only referred through by the analogy of the addition of a fourth spatial dimension, the tear that a black hole makes, the view that only the really sharp ones take, a “hello” from the big guy upstairs. What we are looking for is Transparadigmic Extravence, which is yet to be seen. Although I will say that one thing has been definitively proved. It is that when looking through 3D glasses one does see proof of the universe. As to what this is an indication or sign of I will leave to the philosophers. Oh, and before I go I’ll quickly respond to those of you who are asking “Why on earth did he choose the Waffle House of all locals to set up a steak-out?” Really there are two reasons. The first is that as you have already pointed out it is ‘on Earth’ which makes it conveniently located, and secondly I can get free coffee here. Over Under and Away (I will henceforth be testing out varying catch-phrases or “sign offs” used for the terminus of my articles. Since a distinctive “sign-off” is an important thing for any self respecting journalist worth his salt to have.) -A

Hi! I’m gonna tell all you guys the latest news now. So go ahead and read…. To start I’d like to share an article that I read in the paper the other day. It’s pretty dark, and I’m not exactly sure what it all means yet. But here’s the report pasted word for word. And it’s copied exact! I should know, I wrote it. But anyway, here is the article, word for word:

In the town where I live they are ignoring the coming apocalypse….. The other day I saw some people jogging. They’re mistaken for thinking they can run from the apocalypse….. Self help books will not help you when the apocalypse comes. Although some people will drop self help books like flyers on Hiroshima..… When you’re in the apocalypse you are surprisingly rarely surprised…..The only legitimate excuse for messing something up is “oh, I’m sorry about that… I got distracted because I was ignoring the apocalypse at the time.” It is, by the way, NOT ok to ignore the apocalypse….. All billboards are actually signs for the approaching apocalypse, coming to your town soon! I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but The New Whole Usuals are coming out with a new album. It’s called “Every New Whole Usual Will Die.” I’d suggest getting one while supplies last. -Andrew of The New Whole Usuals

This is of course the press release for the upcoming New Whole Usuals album. Although there remains to be done a bit of arranging the album is, the bulk of it, completed. What it does lack though is an ultimate insight into the true nature of the universe. Scratch that, what I mean to say is that in more recent news I’ve begun research for the new album. In essence I’ve set out on a mission which requires that I play the role of both journalist, and transparadigmic questor. My research mission will be carried out in three stages. One, find irrefutable proof of the existence of God. Two, come to a full understanding of the ultimate nature of the universe. And three, report back. Hemingway said that all you have to do is write one true sentence. This becomes problematic however when one takes on the dual roll of journalist and transparadigmic questor. But despite all challenges the quest must go on. And so I’m considering beginning my research mission by staying at the Waffle House until I am given some sign of a purposeful doer behind the action of the universe i.e. God. One would think that the urgency of such a paramount teleological endeavor would make it easy for one to shirk his other duties and obligations. But this just isn’t so! That is to say that there will no doubt be complications. How will I earn money? What if I become tired? What will all that Waffle House food do to my arteries? I suppose the life of a transparadigmic questor shant be easy. However if all goes well I should start my mission soon. Once this is done all findings will be published in the New Whole Usuals album.“Every New Whole Usual Will Die.” But thorough notes will be kept and updates on the process will be given right here in the “Usual News” section of The New Whole Usuals’ website. It’s a little periodical with big questions to answer. And I’m going undercover to see what I can uncover. Wish me luck!

Also in this issue I’ve included two vocabulary words. I just like em’ Transparadigmic: of or having the ability to transcend all paradigms and peer directly into the ultimate nature of reality. Questor: one who is blessed with the gift of purpose And that’s the latest news. -A