Surviving A Zombie Attack
When the zombie apocalypse comes, I want to be that badass who lives underground and always starts their stories with, “Before, when my dreams weren’t haunted by the screams of the dying….” Cool? Yeah. I know. My future self is pretty great. But that’s not my point. I really mean that when it comes down to it, I will survive the zombie hoards.
I have been formulating a zombie escape plan that works in any situation and I guarantee that barring batshit crazy survivors or any mishaps that may render me incapable of running, it’ll work like gangbusters. Here it goes…
1. In every zombie movie, you need to have your faithful go-to person. Mine is Courtney. She’s fierce and she’ll probably feed you to the zombies if you look at her the wrong way. Or dare say anything bad about Ryan Gosling. Your go-to person has to be down for anything, even if it is a crazy ass idea like turning a mall transport into a moving tank that will plow through a mass of the undead. The go-to person also provides witty banter and the occasional pun-laden joke after a very intense moment.
2. Map out your local stores. Let’s talk for a second. It’s not stealing if everyone is dead or dead and cravin’ your brains. Clearly no one is coming to save you so you need to make out like it was the ‘92 LA riot. But before you get to looting, you need to come up with a strategic plan. If the internet is down, grab the Yellow Pages. If there are no Yellow Pages, then get a sales circular from the last newspaper. If that fails, then you have to venture out during the day to find stores.
3. No one is anti-gun in the Zombie Apocalypse. I might be all for gun control but in the event that I am going to see my innards become out-ards in a zombie all-you-can-eat buffet, I’ll LEARN to like guns really quickly. And besides, you can hone your skills with zombie target practice.
4. If you can, get out of the cities. If you can’t, learn to be sneaky and find shelter in a defensible and convenient place. It’s time for some math! A lot of people live in the cities. But a lot of people live in the suburbs. But there is a high population density in the cities, meaning generally more people in a smaller space. Add in the zombie factor and you have some Raccoon City shit. Cities, while there are more places to hide are proven to speed up your demise. Because if you can hide, so can zombies. However, if you have to be in the city, then you want to be in a place that is easy to defend and easier to get in and out of in case of a breach. Said place must have lookout spots, special exits, and of course all facilities needed for living. That shit better be Fort Knox.
5. Don’t hesitate, decapitate. There’s always a character in a zombie movie who feels like they need to double check to make sure someone isn’t a zombie for real. If they shuffle, groan, and generally are bad tempered, it’s a zombie. Yes, we all occasionally make mistakes but surely they should know better than to be creeping around during such tense times. They’ll be remembered fondly…but not for making you dispatch of them accidentally. Oh and if something looks dead, don’t touch it. Just remove the head and be on your way.
