Alright, welcome to my first official blog for Nova Stella. My name is Thomas, and if you have listened to the audio track “Open Air”, then you might know me as the annoying saxophone player that seems to be doing a very good job of ruining a pretty good tune (personally, I think my performance peaks at a C minus when I finally got out the super high A-flat on the 11th take…God bless Logic Pro and the people at Apple Computers). Here is what you (and by “you” I really mean nobody) are in for with this particular posting:

1. A detailed and in depth look at 5 guys in their 30s trying to get a band going from the ground up during a May weekend in Greenville, NC (Chris our drummer is actually 29…but he is aging poorly).

2. A running diary of our time attempting to record some of our original material in Todd’s (our bass player) basement.

3. Several racist and off color jokes by me, as well as multiple references to my testicles and their often star-crossed relationship to blunt objects.

4. A tally of the number of bodily functions initiated by the band over the next three days.

I can only hope that the five of us are still talking to each other after this weekend. Any music that may or may not be recorded will simply be icing on the diseased infested cake. Before I dive into the events of the first day, I think everyone needs to meet the band…or at least read the descriptions of the band members, as I know them.

Eric-lead vocals, rhythm guitar, excuse maker:

The bulk of our original material comes directly from the cluttered and warped mind of Mr. Eric Benson. I liken Eric’s lyrical style to that of a young, drunk Dr. Seuss.

Joe-lead guitar, mandolin, keyboards, token guy in the band who drinks too much:

I don’t know Joe too well at this point; all I can tell you is that I fear for my safety when I am in his presence.

Todd-bass, background vocals, engineer, go to guy for inappropriate comments about obscure sexual behavior:

Todd might be the smartest guy in the band…and if you knew the band the way I do, you would know that “Smartest Guy In Nova Stella” isn’t such a coveted superlative as you might think.

Chris-drums, percussion, background vocals, loose cannon (to say the least):

Chris is an asshole.

Me (Thomas)-saxophones, background vocals, bottomless pit of bad ideas and worthless suggestions:

I don’t know what the hell I am doing in this band…honestly. I showed up two weeks ago at Todd’s place to deliver his thin crust pizza, now I find myself traveling 300 miles to rehearse with four guys I don’t really like and writing a running diary which I am almost certain no one will EVER read.

Thursday May 1st

7:02pm-I am officially on the road. I am leaving Haymarket, VA, and I have 303 miles to go to get down to Greenville, NC.

7:55pm-I am continually impressed with the utter strangeness of Fredericksburg, VA. If someone gave me a choice of either moving to Fredericksburg or getting zapped with a tazer every 4 hours for the rest of my life, I would ask for a couple of hours to consider my options carefully.

8:03pm-95 SOUTH BABY!!! I officially enter onto the interstate at mile marker 136. When I reach mile marker 1 I will then cross into North Carolina, at mile marker 182. I THEN have to travel down to mile marker 138 and get of on route 64…after that…you know what? Let’s just say that I liken this drive to a 5-hour surgery where I get a colostomy bag installed into my lower intestine. Good times.

9:53pm-I am officially at DEFCON 1 (5 being safe, 1 being volatile) on the "How Bad I Need To Go To the Bathroom scale (1). I drift slide into a parking space at the VA/NC border, and sprint into the bathroom; knocking two small children and an old lady in a motorized cart over in the process.

10:09pm-Evacuation compl… Evacuation compl… Compl… Compl…Comp……..Evacuation Compl…

10:11pm-Evacuation complete

10:12pm-Back on the road, and now 10 pounds lighter.

10:43pm-NO MORE 95 SOUTH BABY!!! I am off of the interstate (thank God), and less than an hour away from Greenville. After checking the clock, it looks as though I am making record time. At this point in my life, the only victories left are tiny and morale ones. Breaking my personal best time driving from Northern Virginia to Greenville, NC would qualify as both.

11:11pm-I am ahead of my record pace by 3 minutes. The closer I get to Greenville, the greater the odds are I get stuck behind a horse and buggy or something.

11:19pm-Well, its not a horse and buggy, but it IS a John Deer tractor. WHO THE F*&K IS MOWING GRASS AT ELEVEN O’CLOCK AT NIGHT!?!?

11:22pm-I finally get to pass Crawley McSlowstein in the left lane. I think I showed a lot of class when I honked my horn and screamed a few sexual references about Crawley and his mother as I passed him. I may have to break a few laws to reach my personal best.

11:34pm-I pull into Chris and his wife’s driveway officially 90 seconds too late.

11:34pm-“FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF**********&&&&&&&&&&KKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!”

11:36pm-I am greeted by Chris’ wife, Elizabeth and their two Jack Russells; Yoda & Jadzia (if any of you are wondering why I am not insulting Chris and Elizabeth for naming their two dogs after a Star Wars character and a Star Trek character respectively, then I should let you know that I named my car after a Buffy the Vampire Slayer character, and my saxophone after a Star Trek character. People in glass houses…you know).

11:40pm-Elizabeth informs me that Chris and the rest of the band are still rehearsing at Todd’s. I reply to her that I would be surprised if they were going to go much longer.

11:41pm-Just got a phone call from Chris in which he tells me; “We are probably going to go for a little while more…so if you wanna come over man, bring your horn.” I hang up the phone and immediately show Elizabeth a website where she can file fore divorce online.

11:54pm-After a quick pit stop at a Sheetz gas station (we are still early in this blog, but something tells me Sheetz is going to play a big part in my sanity this weekend) where I get a much needed Diet Mountain Dew, I pull into Todd’s driveway and say a quick prayer for my immortal soul.

12:09am-We just got done with a run through of one of our cover songs. I didn’t have a microphone, so I had the unenviable job of trying to match the volume of two electric guitars, an electric bass, and a drum set with my tenor saxophone. I’m not really sure if anything I played was any good (because I honestly didn’t hear a single note), but I am pretty sure that I played hard enough to bleed into my underwear a little.

12:14am-The first injury of the weekend occurs when I dropped my half full bottle of Diet Dew onto my balls accidentally. It was one of those testicle collisions that took a second or two before the pain actually registered. Aren’t those the best?

12:31am-We are only thirty minutes into the band’s first official full rehearsal and already Todd’s basement smells like un-showered men and farts (thanks mostly to the fact that Todd never showers and I have been crop dusting flatulents ever since I walked through the front door).

1:12am-The rehearsal is finally over. I have no way of knowing, but at this point I probably resemble Jared Letto right after he gets the piss beat out of him in Fight Club. I give the middle finger to everyone before I hoist myself back into my car and head back to the house.

2:37am-Classic Thomas moment right now. I am TOO tired to sleep. This ever happen to any of you? This is the only human function that I know of that happens this way. I mean, its not like I’ve ever been too hungry to eat, or too horny to masturbate. It just doesn’t happen. I think its time for a late night game of Call of Duty 4. There is an army of brown people I must destroy.

3:09am-Chris and Elizabeth threaten to kill me in my sleep if I don’t keep it down. Apparently when I said “Die you Middle East bastards!!!” out loud it woke them up in the next room.

4:48am-Ahh…sleep.

Friday May 2nd

8:15am-Yeah…four hours of sleep is enough…NOT!!! Don’t get me wrong, I’m an animal lover and all, but if Yoda or Jadzia wakes me up tomorrow morning before 10am, I’m gonna go freakin’ nuclear on them.

9:11am-Not much to do in Greenville, NC, but here’s the funny thing that I remembered this morning: I pre-ordered Grand Theft Auto 4 back in 2006 before I moved to Virginia…AND I TOTOALLY FORGOT ABOUT IT!!! Perhaps I need to be clearer as to my love of the GTA franchise. I honestly considered asking for 30 days off from work back in 2005 so that I could play GTA: San Andreas all day long. My boss looked at me the same way an owner would look at a dog that just ate his own poop.

10:30am-I meet up with my buddy Oliver and we decide that we need to go to the local driving range and attempt to assassinate the dude that drives the golf ball retriever cart with our errant shots.

11:43am-120 golf balls and $12 later, the golf ball retriever dude is still alive, but I am pretty sure I maimed a pigeon that was arrogantly perched in a tree down the left side of the driving range. Was I aiming for the pigeon?…No. This was simply one of life’s little bonuses.

12pm-6:30pm-Nothing really happened during these hours. I did drink 7 Diet Mountain Dews though…so I got that going for me.

7:14pm-We have an early entry in the Dumb Ass Comment of the Weekend Contest. Elizabeth (Chris’ wife) is a strict vegetarian, and she had some veggie buffalo wings in the freezer to make for Chris and I. After the preparation was completed, I was getting my plate together, and I stupidly asked; “Are these boneless or do they have bones?” To which Chris only had to reply; “Umm…dude?” It took me entirely too long to realize that there would have to be some sort of mutated chicken hybrid for there to be BONED veggie chicken wings. I amaze myself sometimes.

8:20pm-Chris and I are back in Todd’s driveway for rehearsal. Todd’s house is only 30 feet away from where Chris and I are standing, but that doesn’t stop Chris from saying; "I know Todd’s place is right there, but I’m going to piss on these bushes. Classy.

8:38pm-Since it looks like we are going to start rehearsal late, I decide to surf the Internet for underage girls with a daddy complex. I really can’t be trusted with any sort of free and unsupervised time.

8:41pm-Mmm…brunette…27-26-27…just how I like ’em .

8:42pm-(Yeah…you know what? I know this is supposed to be tongue and cheek and all, but even I was weirded out by that last entry. Let’s just move on with the idea now in place that I won’t try to freak people out with my fictional internet predator personality…ok?)

9;17pm-Joe makes the quote of the evening so far with: “Who’s the baddest Mac & Cheese in town?…KRAFT!!! Daaaaaamn right!” And the fact he made this quote while performing a porno-esc style wah pedal infused guitar riff only made the line more genius. Maybe I don’t hate this band as much as I thought.

9:22pm-I take it all back. Todd just suggested that we cover the “Sanford & Son’s” theme song during our next gig. Yeah…nothing brings a band and its crowd together like five white guys performing the theme song from the most stereotypically incorrect TV show about black people. I’ve got a better idea…how about we perform the soundtrack to the movie Roots on bagpipes with our faces covered in shoe polish.

10:54pm-I just butchered one of my own original tunes in front of the band. I am sure this moment could have been more embarrassing to me, but fortunately there wasn’t a high school bully standing behind me to yank my pants down around my ankles.

11:31pm-Todd forces out one of his inappropriate comments about he and his wife’s sexual habits, and then follows with; “Are you going to put that in your blog? Does that qualify as something that would make the cut?” I’m not sure I like the idea of the band members intentionally going for extra screen time on this blog. I would like to think our energies would be focused on the music. Then again…I AM looking for at least B minus material. BRING ON MORE FLATULENTS CRUDE SEXUAL HUMOR!!!

12:18am-The band is starting to get that look about us like we have been cramming for a biology midterm all night. Eric goes on a 45 second tirade detailing his stance on sexual harassment in the work place (he is in favor of it by the way), we take this as a sign to call it a day and regroup tomorrow.

Quick recap of the day: We rehearsed one of Todd’s originals called “Strange Day”, and I must say we might have a good one on our hands. My original titled “J.R. & the Quarter” was met to favorable reviews as well, despite my best efforts to forget my own lyrics and my glaring inability to strum consecutive guitar chords correctly. Tomorrow we are going to take band pictures. I am setting the over/under for number of times someone moons the camera at 25. I am sure sometime next week you can plan on seeing Todd’s delicious rump plastered all over the Internet. Right now, I need to get some sleep.

Saturday May 3rd

6:24am-Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Jadzia was not only kind enough to wake me up by jumping on the couch after she came back in from her morning walk, but she also managed to urinate on me in the process. Is getting peed on by a dog good luck? You know, kind of like when you get crapped on by a bird. Or is my luck the same, and now I’m just a guy covered in dog piss? We’ll see as the day continues.

11:30am-Mmmmm…Wendy’s chicken nuggets. Does it get any better? You know…other than sex? Which I hope to start having again sometime soon.

12:34pm-Right now it is just me, Chris, Todd, and Eric (the four horseman of the apocalypse if you ask me) trying to lay down some rhythm section tracks for Eric’s tune “Dedicated”. Not much has gotten accomplished thus far with the exception to the band deciding to start counting tunes off with; “Boobies…two…three…four.” Personally, if that is all we get out of this weekend I will consider these days an overwhelming success.

3:30pm-We have a lull in the recording process. Todd and his wife are in the middle of selling their house, so they shewed Chris, Eric, and me out the back door before we could queer the deal for them. In the mean time, we went over to Todd’s new place just down the street where he has a pool table in the basement. Over the course of the hour we were down there I proceeded to go 5-1 against Chris and Eric in various games that involve a pool table. That record might speak louder if any of you knew how terrible a pool player I am on any given day. Back in high school my friend Aaron had a pool table in his basement, and his parents had to repaint the walls around the pool table 4 times a year due to my inability to keep the white ball on the table and the cue in my hands.

4:42pm-Good news everyone!!! Todd and Michelle sold the house. Maybe this positive energy well result in a better performance in the studio. Just so you all know…I’m NOT holding my breath.

8:27pm-We just got back from taking 900 pictures in and around the town of Greenville. I can say with an unparalleled level of certainty that we might be the 5 least photogenic guys to ever be in the same band (although the guys in that band Jet might give us a run for our money). I probably subconsciously wore my short shorts so that my testicles would make several cameos throughout the shoot (I named them Sam and Dean from that show Supernatural). We will now attempt some action shots of us performing in Todd’s basement…which at this point might carry with it the energy of a floating corpse. Let’s find out shall we?

9:32pm-Dinner break. I’d like to put in a plug for Wings Over Greenville and their Jamaican Jerk flavor chicken wings. I ate so many I’ll probably get the Jamaican Jerk Squirts later on tonight. By the way…my New Year’s Eve diet officially went out the window about 15 minutes ago.

10:37pm-The rhythm section just got done recording their parts for Dedicated (a very catchy tune written by Eric I might add), so now it is my turn to lay down both some mediocre background sax stuff as well as some less than mediocre solo sax stuff. Watch in awe as I lay this down in one take baby!!!

12:05am-I may have underestimated how long it might take me to lay down my sax parts. It is now after midnight and Todd (our engineer) has officially said, “let’s try it again” 700 times.

2:16am-Not my finest 4 hours people. Chris, Eric, and Joe apparently thought I was recording the whole album by myself. When they found out I was only recording my part for “Dedicated” I could tell they all wanted to pummel me into the ground. We decided to call it a night and pick back up at 10am. Here’s the rub…I am getting up at 6am to go and play a round of golf with my buddy Oliver and my old teacher at ECU Mr. D. Wish me luck.

Sunday May 4th

6:00am-The alarm on my phone jars me awake like a tongue in the anus (yeah…I went there). I get my fancy golf clothes on and I am out the door. My God I have a headache!!!

6:22am-I pick up Oliver at his house. He officially looks like a guy who spent the previous night getting drunk and turned down by women. I am putting the over/under at 3 for number of times Oliver verbalizes if he thinks he is going to die.

6:56am-Mmmm…Sheetz gas station breakfast shmuffin. I am guessing this will hit my lower digestive track around the 5th hole.

7:20am-Mr. D officially arrives at the golf course. In case you don’t know, Mr. D is about 5’10" and 285 pounds…oh, and he’s black. I really wish there were cameras rolling for this outing.

7:43am-I bogey the first hole, Oliver takes a 6, Mr. D takes a… and I quote; “Gentleman’s 7”. The highest of high comedy happened when Mr. D (who I am sharing a golf cart with) tells me that Mrs. D (his wife) told him not to bother coming home if he doesn’t par at least one hole. To which I replied; “Where are you going to go if you don’t get a par?” Mr. D came back with; “I’ve always wanted to see Mexico in the spring.”

8:07am-My first par of the day baby!!! Oliver didn’t make it past the lady’s tees on his drive and was forced to play the remainder of the hole with his dick hanging out the front of his pants.

8:08am-That previous statement was a complete lie…except for the part about Oliver not clearing the lady’s tees.

8:48am-Two more pars for me. Something is definitely happening to me today. I can’t seem to miss. I half expect to take the club back on the final hole and get struck by lightning like the Judge in Caddyshack.

8:51am-Did I just hear thunder?

9:18am-Two MORE pars for me! What the hell? Just in case you were wondering, I generally shoot anywhere between 47 and 98 on nine holes. That coupled with the fact that I haven’t swung a golf club in 18 months I’d say I’m having a pretty good round. Oliver is officially running on fumes of fumes. I am pretty sure I’m right behind him.

9:40am-Well, the wheels came off on the last hole. I had a three-foot put for 8 straight pars and blew it. I shot a 38 (+2) after getting about 8 seconds of sleep for the third straight day…I will officially induct myself into the “I Shouldn’t Still Be Alive Hall of Fame”. Mr. D finishes off the round with the classic line of; “I don’t understand why I suck guys. I mean…I read all the books!!! That should count for something right?” Too funny.

10:17am-I arrive at Todd’s house for the final day of rehearsing/recording. I am flying as high as a kite due in no small part to the round of my lifetime on the course as well as the 4 Diet Mountain Dews I have drank since 6:30 this morning. If any of you out there own stock in Pepsi products, you will probably see a bump in your share holdings after every road trip I take.

1:34pm-Since Eric doesn’t yet know my song; I have to be the one to lay down the scratch vocals as the rhythm section records their parts. I will make this statement right now: If that recording of me singing ever makes it onto the Internet, the other four members of Nova Stella will be the first to die.

2:55pm-I have to give Chris and Todd credit, they pretty much laid down all their parts in less than an hour. That fact is made only more impressive because…

4:49pm-…it took me almost two hours to lay my parts down. I am officially the weakest link in this band. I am pretty sure they only keep me around because of my extensive porn collection.

6:30pm-Nap time for Thomas. There are no words for how little I am looking forward to driving back to Virginia in 14 hours. I think I might jump out in front of a moving vehicle so that I don’t have to deal with going to work on Monday. Did I mention I don’t accumulate sick or vacation time with my current job? Let’s just move .. I light myself on fire.

8:35pm-The band reconvenes after a dinner/nap break. We spent the bulk of the rehearsal time working up a couple cover songs that I will keep secret, mostly because our rehearsal of a particular Duncan Sheik tune failed to measure up to the original. My idea of covering Suck A Nigga by A Tribe Called Quest was vehemently shot down.

11:58pm-That’s it…I am officially a corpse. Time to call the coroner and issue me a toe tag. I am so tired I couldn’t even laugh when Chris tried to pull the classic “pull my finger” routine on Joe. I can’t even quantify how much I am NOT looking forward to driving 300 miles tomorrow. Wish me luck.

The Recap

I’m not really sure who is going to read this, but I guess I’d better do the obligatory “in case you don’t know me that well” post disclaimer. Despite what I typed in the preceding pages, my love and excitement over this band is through the roof. I have been in a couple other bands in my lifetime that I have been excited about, but this one is in another category. I find Eric’s songs to be superb, his lyrics to be exceedingly intelligent, and his singing to be spectacular. I find Chris’ drumming and over all sensibility as a musician to be on par with studio musician status. I find Todd’s bass playing to be a Godsend, and his talents while recording the various members of the band to be priceless. Last but not least, I think Joe is perhaps one of the three best guitar players I have EVER heard. He has the ability to machine gun anybody out of the building, but I find his real talent to be finding all the tiny cracks and spaces in the music and putting his personal stamp on a song playing a minimal amount of notes. All modesty aside, I do a decent job as a soloist and textural instrument; put us all together and you’ve got 5 experienced guys that know how to get a great show together. I have no doubt in my mind that the show on July 31st will be a memorable one. If you spent the time to read this, I thank you greatly for that. If you are planning to come to our first show, I thank you in advance.

I hope this finds all of you well, and I look forward to meeting you all.

Until next time this is…

…Thomas “Flatulence Is Excellence” Sisson…

…signing off for now.

P.S. If you like what you hear on MySpace, spread the word, and spread the love.